


Just Friends

by Sapphy



Series: Tumblr Fics [14]
Category: Batman - All Media Types, DCU, Daredevil (Comics), Daredevil (TV), Dark Avengers (Comic), Hellblazer & Related Fandoms, Justice League Dark (Comics), Marvel, Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics)
Genre: Ableism, Age Difference, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Criminals, Alternate Universe - Mob, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Alternate Universe - Police, Alternate Universe - Professors, Alternate Universe - Stripper/Exotic Dancer, Bisexuality, Canon Bisexual Character, Coming Out, Daddy Kink, Fake/Pretend Relationship, M/M, Multi, Polyamory, Polyamory Negotiations, Pretending Not To Be Dating, Pseudo-Incest, Sexual Roleplay, Sexual Tension, Strippers & Strip Clubs
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-15
Updated: 2015-08-16
Packaged: 2018-04-14 21:52:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4581423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sapphy/pseuds/Sapphy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A series of fics based on c-is-for-circinate's great 'pretending not to be dating' AU ideas on tumblr.</p><p>or</p><p>We're just friends, honest. Really. Totally. Only friends. Nothing more. Not at all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Credit to c-is-for-circinate for the first seven plot ideas.
> 
> Shippers note the Daken/Lester and Roy/Jay/Kori is off screen and only mentioned. They don't get their own fics (until someone can give me premises for them).

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My friend is so determined to fix me up with somebody better than my string of casual coffee date/hookup partners that I didn’t have the heart to tell her, after she set us up for a blind date, that I actually met you six months ago
> 
> Matt/Foggy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What can I say, I love the Dark Avengers, and I love the dynamic of TV Matt and Foggy, so have a fusion, non-superpowered AU.

“Please Matt, just one date? For me? He’s not your usual type, but that hasn’t exactly been working out for you, and he’s honestly the nicest guy in the world, and he’s really funny, and he’s a lawyer as well, so you’ll have stuff in common.”

Matt sighs. He wants to point out that basically every other lawyer he’s met has been an asshole, or that he really does prefer women 90% of the time, or even that he’s met an great guy and they’ve been on three dates but he hasn’t told anyone because he really really likes him and he doesn’t want to jinx it. He wants to say all of that, but he doesn’t, because Karen had sounded so sad and hopeful and genuinely worried for him.

At least f the guy is an nice as she claims, he should be okay with being turned down. Maybe they can be friends. Matt could do with more friends.

(He’s got Karen, who is lovely and fiercely protective, and Lester, who might actually be the worst person on the planet but Matt’s known him forever and they’re sort of stuck being friends because no one else will have them, and Lester's creepy asshole boyfriend who Matt hates but Karen inexplicably loves, and that's it. Not exactly a large social circle.)

“Alright. But one date. And I get to say I told you do if we have nothing in common,” he says, and braces himself for the flying hug he knows is coming.

 

* * *

 

 

He gets to the coffee shop Karen picked a little early. He always does when he’s going someplace new. There’s always the chance that the GPS on his phone, and the advice of passers-by he asks for directions, will get him horribly lost, even in a corner of town he knows like the back of his hand.

It smells like it’s one of the fancy upmarket places Karen loves and he hates, the overpowering scent of cinnamon tickling his nose when he pushes open the door, and what smells like some kind of vegetable muffin. Matt tries to eat healthily, but vegetables in cakes and muffins are the devil’s work, sent to trick people who can’t read the food labels.

He orders a coffee, has an awkward moment when the server tries to give it to him to take then spots his cane and snatches it back and nearly spills boiling coffee over the both of them, and finds a table as far away from the noise of the street as he can.

The shop’s mostly empty, and the people who are there are quiet, so Matt uses the time to go over the interviews for a case he’s defending in a week’s time.

His first thought, when he hears Foggy’s voice ordering a latte, is that having the guy he’s dating in the same place as the guys he’s on a date with is going to be really awkward, and then Foggy comes over and sits down, and just bursts into great peals of happy laughter and Matt guesses what’s happened.

“Are you my blind date?” he asks incredulously.

“Oh my god, this is amazing,” Foggy chokes out. “Also, I’m pretty sure I was already your blind date. On account of… actually you know what, I’m not even going to finish that horribly tasteless joke. Ignore me, I’m a little hysterical at how ridiculous this whole situation is.”

“It’s fine,” Matt tells him, because it really is. He likes that Foggy doesn’t pretend he isn’t disabled, that he makes jokes about it, and asks Matt is he needs help instead of either assuming he's fine or helpless, and automatically narrates any gestures he makes. It’s nice. It makes Matt feel normal. “I can’t believe this happened. I didn’t know you even knew Karen!”

“I, er,” Foggy begins, and Matt can hear from his voice that he’s blushing. “I might have accidentally on purpose gone to that sandwich place on 37th Street for lunch last week after you mentioned it’s where you guys always get your lunch. I wanted to meet her. And now you think I’m a stalker. Sorry. I get that it was like, a massive breach of privacy. I just… she obviously so important to you , and I really like you, and I wanted to know what kind of person you like enough to stick around, so I could see if I was that kind of person. I’m making this sound worse with every word, aren’t I?”

“A little,” Matt agrees, smiling. “It’s okay. I mean, it was a bit stalkery? But I’m not creeped out or anything. It was sweet of you. And I was going to introduce you guys eventually, I just hadn’t got round to it yet.”

“No, no, it’s okay, you don’t have to introduce me to anyone if you don’t want,” Foggy says quickly, and he sounds so sad Matt feels like a total asshole.

“It’s not… I wasn’t deliberately not introducing you. Or I was, but not because I’m ashamed of you or anything. It’s just…” He closes he eyes behind his glasses, takes a steadying breath. “I really like you. Really really like you. And my friends… I didn’t want you to be scared off.”

“Why would I scared off by Karen? She’s awesome!”

“Yeah she is. Karen’s not the problem. The problem is Lester.”

“Who’s Lester?”

“Lester is an asshole. But he’s also my only friend who doesn’t work for me, and Karen is friends with his boyfriend, and she texts him about me all the time, and if Akihiro finds out about you, he’ll tell Lester, and then Lester will find a way to meet you, however hard you try and avoid it, and then you’ll never want to speak to me again.”

“Oh come on, he cannot be that bad!”

“You only think that because you’ve never met anyone as terrible as Lester,” Matt says gloomily. “I think he might have got me to help him cover up a murder once. We were like 17? His boyfriend’s a mob boss. Plus he’s just generally a massive asshole.”

“Okay, admittedly that does sound pretty bad. Did you really help him cover up a murder?”

“I don’t know! I didn’t move a body or anything, but I helped him clean up. He thinks I don’t know it was blood on his clothes. He told me it was rain water. But I could smell it.”

He shudders at the memory. The things Lester does aren’t his fault (mostly), he comes from a terrible background, and he didn’t get any kind of psychiatric help until it was way too late and he's already spent so much time in jail there was no way for him to earn a legal living. Doesn’t make him any less of an asshole.

“Alright, so you know some really sketchy people. I’m kind of impressed. You’re all cute and unassuming looking, I would not have expected you to be on first name terms with mob-bosses and murderers. But okay. Lots of people had friends in high school who turned out to be terrible people.”

“I’ve known him all my life,” Matt says. “We grew up in the same orphanage. He practically family.”

“Well then, of course I’m not going to judge! I’d help any of my sisters hide a body any day, and I’m an adult, not a scared teenager with no real proof!”

Matt fiddles with the corner of his napkin, and turns his face away from Foggy, even though he can’t see him. Foggy’s being nice, making excuses, but there’s no way he isn’t thinking badly of Matt right now.

He starts a little when Foggy reaches out and catches his hand. “Matt, is this why we’ve only been on three dates in four months?” Matt nods, hanging his head. “You thought that because you know some dodgy people, have a sketchy brother, I wouldn’t want to date you?! Matt, I like you. I really like you. You’re sweet and funny and clever and ridiculously gorgeous. I’m not going to stop liking you just because you didn’t come out top in the relative lottery. None of us can choose our family.”

Matt’s heart gives a little jump. “I like you too.”

“Good. I mean, I’m glad. Because I’m kind of stupidly embarrassingly into you, and it would suck really hard if you didn’t feel the same way.” He doesn’t narrate his smile, but he doesn’t need too. Matt can hear it in his voice. “Now how long do you think we can string Karen along before we admit we’ve been dating for months?”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: We’re both professors in the same department and it enhances your reputation with the students as a mysterious enigma and my reputation as a stone-cold terror if we pretend to hate each other, plus when we back each other up in departmental meetings everybody’s so surprised they give in right away.
> 
> Batman/Joker

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for ableist language. (It's the Joker. Even AU Joker who holds down a proper job is an asshole).

J’s mouth is every bit as eager and vicious against Bruce’s as it is in debates. Bruce shouldn’t be letting him kiss him like this, in the corridor outside the staff meeting room where anyone could see, but he’s clearly been with the man too long, because the fear of being caught, of doing something so transgressive, is turning him on almost as much as J’s wicked mouth.

They’re interrupted by the sharp click of heels on the polished floor, and they spring apart like guilty teenagers, Bruce getting his tie done back up just in time to see Dr Pamela Isley turn the corner, looking as terrifyingly put together as ever. Bruce has a reputation as the scariest professor on campus, but that’s only among students who’ve never studied Botany.

Bruce teaches chemistry and doesn’t entirely understand why so many of his students are terrified of him. Sure he’s strict, but he’s also scrupulously fair. But those students who are terrified of him generally seem to do better in his class, so he’s rolling with it.

J teaches philosophy and ethics, to Bruce’s constant amusement. The man has green hair, a truly terrible wardrobe, and the morals of a cat. He hands out grades arbitrarily, frequently shows French art house movies instead of teaching anyone, and once disappeared for a week to work undercover on the schools janitorial staff just to see if he could get away with it. He still gets mail addressed to ‘Eric Border’. (The rest of his post is addressed to J Kerr, and Bruce hasn’t found out what the J stands for.)

“Professors,” Pam says, regally.

Bruce nods to her, and J executes an elaborate bow. He hates Pam for, as J puts it, “stealing my best girl.” Bruce thinks it’s ridiculous, since J hadn’t actually liked Dr Quinzel, and she and Pam are blissfully happy together, and anyway, J has Bruce now, but J is unhealthily possessive.

That’s one of the reasons, one of many, why no one knows they’re together. The other is that they both value their reputations, reputations which would surely be ruined if people knew about them.

Bruce doesn’t mind. He’s an intensely private person by nature. As far as everyone else on campus knows, Professors Wayne and Kerr hate one another’s guts, fight constantly, and would probably knife the other given half the chance. (Bruce has used a knife on J, but only after J begged him too, because J is a terrible enabler of all Bruce’s unhealthy kinks).

Pretending to hate J isn’t exactly hard. Bruce is half in love with him, has been sleeping with him for five years, has clothes and a toothbrush that live full time at J’s, but even he admits the man is a complete asshole. He’s rude and deliberately difficult and sometimes actually violent (though not towards Bruce since he found out Bruce studies five different martial arts and is perfectly prepared to fight back). He’s lazy and terrible at his job, and just generally awful. So even though Bruce might actually love him, it’s pretty easy to pretend to hate him.

Their fights are legendary. They’re the stuff new students get told about in whispers, the source of a thousand staff-room jokes (Dr Nygma thinks he’s funny) and the cause of at least five insurance claims when things got out of hand. Now Bruce thinks about it, that’s probably part of why his students are so scared of him.

“What are we discussing today?” he asks, holding the door for Pam.

“Funding for a specialist toxicology lab,” she says. “Crane’s asking for one, says he can’t keep sharing with biology.”

“You think the Dean will go for it?”

“All depends on how he reacts to those three students who were poisoned,” Pam says. “He might interpret that as proof that Toxicology needs to be kept separate, or he might say Jonathan’s a dangerous lunatic who exposed the school to massive legal liability.”

“So it comes down to Two-Face,” J says, sounding pleased.

“Don’t call him Two-Face. It's ableist,” Bruce says automatically. It’s an old argument. They both like the mercurial chair of law, but his bipolar can make him difficult to be around. Bruce likes him for the man he knows he is underneath the illness, while J delights in the disasters caused by his occasional relapses.

“If he minds, he can tell me himself,” J says rudely. “Or better yet, he can sue me.”

“Do you work at being a terrible person, or does it just come naturally?” Bruce asks. “You know Harvey’s working hard to get a handle on his illness. The last thing he needs is you being a dick about it.”

“Ooooh, swearing already. Did I hit a nerve, or is all that repression finally getting’ to ya, huh? You gonna hit me again?”

“No, he’s not,” the Bursar says firmly, “because these windows cost a small fortune to replace, and last time you two had a fight you smashed two of them. Break any more and I will dock your pay so hard you’ll be living of food-stamps, understand?”

“Yes, Dr Kuttler,” Bruce says through gritted teeth. He despises the self-important parsimonious Bursar, but he’s professional enough not to let it show.

J on the other hand doesn’t give a damn about being professional, so he just mutters, “Go fuck yourself,” and slouches into a chair. Sometimes being around J can be very cathartic. It’s like someone gave Bruce’s id a body of its own.

Dr Quinzel arrives next, talking animatedly with Dr Crane. J’s eye’s narrow consideringly when she walks through the door, and Bruce kicks him under the table, hard enough to make him wince, and then grin, because J is a weirdo.

Crane looks nervous, but then, he always does. He’s a thin, anxious man, who studies neurotoxins with an obsessive fascination Bruce has always found slightly worrying. He’s waiting for the day the man snaps and poisons half the college. It’s only a matter of time. He’s inclined to give the man his lab just to keep him happy and try and postpone the day he inevitable killing spree.

J wants to give the man his lab because, for some unknown reason which may or may not be connected to the supply of illegal pharmaceuticals, he actually likes the man, or tolerates him, which for J is the same thing.

“Who are we still waiting on?” Harley asks, taking seat beside her girlfriend and linking their hands together.

“Tetch, Fries, Langstrom and Strange,” Kuttler says, checking a list.

Harley pulls a face at the mention of Strange. As respective heads of psychiatry and psychology, they’re fierce rivals, and honestly, Bruce doesn’t blame Harley for disliking the man. He’s a creep of the highest order who spends far more time psychoanalysing his colleagues than he does actually teaching anything.

“The paedophile, the ice cube, the batman and _Strange_ ,” J says, disgust palpable in his voice as he says the last name. J hates Strange more than any of them, even Harley. He doesn’t enjoy being analysed.

“At least pretend to be professional,” Bruce growls, even though he privately agrees with the less than flattering analysis of his fellow scientists.

“Like you’re not all thinking it. I’m just saying it.”

“What about physics and medicine?” Harley asks.

“Doctors Sartorius and Elliot send their regrets. They will not be participating today, but have registered their opinions with me in advance.”

“Are we allowed to know what those opinions were,” Pam asks archly.

“Sartorius voted in favour, Elliot against,” Kuttler says.

“Of course he did,” J snorts. “He’s worried it might cut into his champagne and whores budget.”

“Don’t, Kerr,” Bruce snaps. “Just don’t.” Tommy Elliot has been Bruce’s best friend since they were kids, and while Bruce admits Tommy’s not the best man in the world, he has very limited tolerance for J’s ridiculous jealousy of the man.

“You really need to stop making excuses for him,” J says, all badly feigned sympathy. “He’s never going to fuck you.”

“You say one more word,” Bruce growls, hands bunching into fists.

J bounces a little in his seat, because he’s a sick freak who gets off on their fights. “You gonna hit me, Brucey? Are ya? Come on rich boy, try it.”

Kuttler clears his throat. “At least attempt to behave like adults,” he says with a sneer. “Or if that’s too difficult for you, try and remember that I control whether or not you still have a job next semester.”

Bruce ducks his head, embarrassed at having been caught behaving so badly. J just grins. The man has absolutely no shame.

“Where on earth are Tetch and the others?” asks Harley. "They better hurry up; I have a lecture in half an hour.”

“I vote we start with without them,” says Pam. “If we wait for Langstrom to tear himself away from his lab, we’ll be here forever.”

“We should wait until everyone is here before we start the discussion,” Bruce says with frown. “We can just exclude half the science faculty.”

“No, but it seems like we can include part of the philosophy faculty,” Tetch says with unusual bitterness. “Why is he even here?”

“Because thanks to this summer’s student riots, the faculty of philosophy and religion as still homeless,” Kuttler says. “Until we finish the repairs, Dr. Kerr is peripatetic, and as the majority of his classes are currently taught at the science building, it was decided to include him in today’s meeting.”

“Is this because we let the students make alcohol in the chemistry lab?” Harley asks. “Are you punishing us, Kuttler? I told you, it was an experiment. I had no idea they were going to drink the stuff.”

“Two students went blind,” Kuttler says, with a certain vicious relish. “After that little disaster, coupled with the damage Dr. Wayne and Dr. Kerr manage to do to school property during their last little disagreement, the science faculty is frankly lucky we are consulting them at all. If I had my ways, we’d cut your budget entirely and give it to the history department. Or perhaps journalism. You know, Professor Kent hasn’t had a single student die, drop out or go blind since the start of term? His is an example you could all learn from.”

“It’s a wonder the man hasn’t gone quite mad,” J says leaning back in his chair. “Students dropping out are the only thing that keeps me going some days.”

Bruce tries not to smile. There J goes again, saying aloud all the things that Bruce thinks but would never say. It's one of the things Bruce enjoys most about him, but it wouldn’t do letting the others know that.

“That explains a lot about the grades your students get,” he says nastily.

J gives Bruce a look that suggests he's considering disobeying all Kuttler’s prohibitions and just attacking him right there. Fortunately the expensive windows are saved by the arrival of the remaining faculty members.

“So sorry,” Tetch says, removing his ridiculous hat (a bowler today) and giving an affected little bow. “I was quite sure the meeting wasn’t for another half an hour.”

“I just lost a track of time,” Langstrom says with a shrug. “I really think I’m on the verge of a breakthrough.”

Fries, still wearing the protective gear he’d been wearing in the lab, just glares. He isn’t an unpleasant man but he doesn’t like crowds and he doesn’t like women and he especially doesn’t like J.

Strange comes in last, still reading a sheaf of papers. He fancies himself above the rest of them, and likes to make a show of how much harder he works that the rest them.

“Now that we’re _finally_ all here,” Kuttler says, stressing the finally, “we can begin. Does anybody have anything they want to say?”

“Oh for heaven sake,” Pam says irritably, “we all know why we’re here. Can we just move onto the vote and get it over with? No offence Crane.”

“None taken,” Crane says. “I don’t want to be here anymore than you do, I just want my lab.”

“Well if we’re all agreed, we might as well get his torture over with,” Kuttler agrees.

“Give the man his lab!” J says slamming a fist down onto the table. “Just think how many more students he’ll be able to maim with a shiny new lab all of his very own!”

Crane makes a slight protesting noise but doesn’t say anything. He knows better than to try and argue with J.

“You’re a despicable human being,” Bruce says. “But for once, I’m forced to agree with you. Dr. Crane’s research has brought this university a great deal of prestige and recognition and it is only fair that he be allowed sufficient lab space to continue his experiments. It’s also unfair on the rest of the biology and inorganic chemistry faculty to force them to share lab space with another, discipline especially one as dangerous as toxicology. Regrettable accidents are inevitable under those circumstances.”

“Wait,” Harley says, leaning forward to stare at the two of them. “Did you and J just agree on something? Is the world ending? Have you been mind control to? Wayne, are you actually an alien imposter?”

“Believe me,” Bruce says with some feeling, “I don’t like this any more than you do. But I’m not going to punish Crane just because I despise Dr. Kerr.”

“I’m not sure whether you two actually agreeing on something proves that we should do it, or the doing it would be the worst idea we’ve ever had,” Tetch says. Bruce ignores him. The man is an odious little fool and Bruce tries to have as little to do with him as he can. J’s is tasteless joke about the man’s preference for children is not entirely unfounded. Thanks to an out of court settlement Tetch had kept his job, but the rest of the science faculty do their best to avoid him now

“C’mon,” said J, bouncing a little in his seat. “Isn’t anyone going to disagree with us? Someone? Anyone? Please?”

“After you manage to incite your students to riot last summer, and Bruce nearly threw you through a window that time, I don’t think any of us are stupid enough to argue with either of you,” Harley says.

“Well there you go then Jonny,” J says with a grin. “One shiny new lab coming right up.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All your coworkers know you’re married to a cop but now I’m undercover investigating a string of bank heists and it turns out that your only friend at your shitty new job is dating the head bank robber.
> 
> Bruce/Dick

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes this is a verse where Dick is a stripper and Bruce is a cop on the GCPD serious crime squad. I do what I want.

“How was work?” Bruce asked, when Dick fell through the door just before sunrise.

“What are you even still doing up?” Dick asked instead of answering, staggering over to yank open the fridge and take a great gulp of orange juice straight from the carton. “Didn’t you get off work like four hours ago? You should be sleeping!”

“I wanted to see you before I went to bed,” Bruce said. “Check how your new job is going.”

“It’s fine, Dick said. “Honestly, one strip joint’s a lot like another. I don’t like many of the other dancers. They’re a lot more stuck up than the folks at Aces Wild. But I suppose that’s to be expected. The Iceburg Lounge in a lot fancier.

“I did meet one girl who was nice. Her name’s Coriander of all things. Not sure where she’s from but I’m pretty sure English isn’t her first language. She’s cool though. She’s in a poly relationship with these two guys. They’re both super smart. One of them, Roy, he saving up money to go to MIT. He lost an arm in an accident when he was a kid, and he’s made himself an amazing prosthetic, all from scratch. Cori says if you didn’t know it was there, you’d think he’d still got both arms. He can do pretty much anything with it. He’s a proper engineering genius.”

At the table Bruce freezes. “What did you say his name was?”

“Roy. Roy something, she didn’t say what his last name was. The other guy’s called Jay or Jason. Something like that.”

“Shit,” Bruce says softly.

“Are you okay?” Dick asked, suddenly worried. Bruce almost never swore, so when he did you knew it was something really awful.

“You know I’m working undercover at the moment?” Bruce said worriedly. “I shouldn’t be telling you this. Shouldn’t be telling you any of this, but the guys I’m trying to catch are bank robbers. Good ones. Really good ones. There haven’t been many details released to the public of their crimes because they mainly steal from mob-bosses and mafia strongholds. They’re a two man operation and all we know about them is that they’re young, clever and one of them has a prosthetic arm.”

“Holly shit,” Dick said. “You think Cori’s boyfriends are these bank robbers that you’re looking for?”

“I don’t know,” Bruce said, “but how many young guys are there likely to be in a city this size with super advanced prosthetic arms?”

“Quite a few actually,” Dick said. “I mean, Gotham isn’t exactly small, and we’ve got one of the highest rates of army recruitment in the country, but I take your point. It is one hell of a coincidence.”

“Did she tell you what they look like, these boys of hers?”

“Not really, just that they are handsome. She talked more about how clever they are. She’s really proud of them.”

“Do you think she knows what they do?”

“Hey, we don’t know what they do, not yet,” Dick said quickly. “You may be looking for a completely different pair of young handsome intelligent guys, one of whom has a prosthetic arm. You’re the one always telling me not to jump to conclusions, remember?”

Bruce sighed and ran a hand through his dark hair. “Did you tell her anything about me?” he asked.

“I said to my boyfriend’s a cop, that’s all. And I might have boasted about your sexual prowess a little but you can’t blame a boy for being proud.”

“Okay, well as long as she doesn’t find out that I’m your boyfriend we should be okay. I’m hoping to set up a meeting with the thieves themselves in the next couple of days. If all goes according to plan, I’ll have them behind bars by the end of the week and it won’t matter anymore, but until then, Corey cannot find out that we’re together. I can’t risk anyone knowing that I’m a cop.”

“Damn,” Dick said, disappointed. “Does this mean you won’t be coming to see me dance this week?”

“I’m afraid not,” Bruce said. “That would just be stupidly risky.”

“You could come anyway and we could pretend not to know each other,” Dick suggested. “That could be kind of hot actually, pretending that we’re meeting for the very first time all over again.”

“Your want me to pretend to arrest you again as well?” Bruce asked with a tiny lopsided grin.

“You know it, big boy,” Dick tells him. “When don’t I?”

“Tempting as that might sound,” Bruce says, “it’s simply not risk worth the risk.”

“You’re no fun sometimes,” Dick says sadly. “Besides, what risk? We just don’t tell people we’re together. It’s not like he would be the first time that a dancer took client home with them. You’ve got to come. You’re my good luck charm, remember? I always dance better knowing you’re in the audience.”

“You don’t need luck,” Bruce told him sincerely. “You’ve got talent. You’ll manage for a week without me.”

“I won’t,” Dick said with certainty. “I’ll pine. My dancing will be terrible and they’ll fire me and then you’ll have to become a bent cop in order to have enough money to keep me in the manner to which I have become accustomed. Is that what you want Bruce, a life of crime? Me on some street corner flashing my ankles at passers-by for pennies?”

“You’re ridiculous” Bruce said severely.

“Yup,” Dick agreed happily. “And you love it.”

“I love you,” Bruce corrected him, and Dick couldn’t help the huge stupid grin that spread over his face. He knew Bruce loved him, never doubted it, but it was nice to hear the taciturn man say it for a change.

“I still think you should come to the club,” he said rebelliously, even as Bruce pulls him down onto his lap. "It’d be like one of those role playing things vanilla couples do to spice up their sex lives.”

“If a sex life gets much more exciting, it might just kill me,” Bruce said drily. ”You forget I’m not as young as you.”

“Oh, I never forget that,” Dick said with feeling. “Promise. Oooh, I know, we can tell people you’re my dad!”

“You’re a sick twisted man,” Bruce said without rancour. “Why on earth would we do that?”

“You like the idea,” Dick said delightedly. “It’s no good denying it Bruce, I know you too well. This could be fun! You can be my outraged father come to take me home from a life of sin and depravity!”

“And I suppose when I get you home, I’m going to spank you for being so wicked, am I?” Bruce asked with a twinkle in his eyes

“Well obviously,” Dick said with a grin. “Otherwise what’s the point?”

Bruce wrapped a hand around the back of Dick’s neck and steered him down for a slow sweet kiss.

“You’re ridiculous,” he tells him, “completely ridiculous and I love you.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I didn’t think my parents could accept me dating somebody of your gender/race/religion/species, so we’ve been keeping it quiet, but now my mom can’t stop talking about her friend’s next-door neighbor and how perfect they’d be for me and you’ve got some nosy neighbor trying to set you up with their coworker’s kid and how do we tell them we’re engaged without making them think it’s because of their completely uninvited meddling?
> 
> John/Zee/Nick

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like Nick came out too nice in this, but I will fight anyone who doesn't think the guy has massive abandonment issues. He might actually be more messed up that John.

“I just wish you had somebody to look out for you,” Zatara said taking his daughter’s hand. “I worry about you. On your own in such a big city. I know you can take care of yourself, it’s not that, but you must be so lonely!”

“I’m not lonely dad,” Zatanna said. “I’ve got my friends, and John and Nicky look out for me.”

“But that’s another thing,” Zatarra said. “I don’t like your living with two men. A single girl and two single guys, people could get ideas. I just don’t think it’s very safe.”

Zatanna forced a smile. “They’re not going to hurt me, dad, they’re my friends. They look out for me. I promise I’m happy.”

 

* * *

 

 

“Eurgh,” Zatanna groaned, flinging herself backwards onto the small and extremely ratty couch that stood in the centre of their apartment. “I swear if dad tries one more time to set me up with some nice boy, I’m going to scream.”

“Could be worse,” Nick said, perching on the arm of the sofa and passing her a whiskey. “The manager at the theatre keeps trying to set me up with his daughter. His 35 year old catholic daughter.”

John laughs, because he’s an asshole and doesn’t have a real job or any relatives (or at least not ones he ever talks to). “I keep telling you to just get married,” he says. “Then everyone would stop trying to set you up with other people.”

“And we keep telling you, Johnny boy,” Nick says, “we’re not getting married until we can marry you at the same time.”

“There’s always polygamy,” John suggests with a grin. “We all marry each other in a different state, no one would ever notice and we’d only need three states. Plus we’d get three parties.”

“Do you really think you’ve got any friends apart from us who like you enough to travel to three separate states to watch you get married over and over?”

“Oy,” John says, “that was just mean! Anyway, Chas would, you know he would.”

“Yeah all right he probably would,” Nick concedes, “but that’d just be for the chance to get away from his wife.”

“No,” Zatanna says firmly. “If we’re getting married, we’re doing it properly and it’s gonna be all three of us and that isn’t exactly an option right now.”

“'Specially not since you still haven’t told your dad about us,” Nick says. He sounds light hearted, but she knows that actually deep down he cares deeply. He doesn’t have a family, not really. Even John, she thinks, probably has somebody, even though he doesn’t talk about them, but Nick has no one. His mum had died when he was a kid, and his dad had walked out, and he’s terrified that this new family they’ve been building will go the same way and he’ll lose them both.

“It’s not that I don’t want to tell him,” Zee said, taking his hand and squeezing. “I want to tell him about both of you. I want to know how happy I am. I just don’t know how to explain it to him. He’s seventy. How do you explain to an old man that his daughter, the only living family he’s got and the apple of his eye is dating two guys at once?”

“Especially two guys as disreputable and generally seedy as us,” John says with a grin.

Nick tugs his hand out of her, and Zee reaches over to hit John. “You’re not helping! I don’t care how disreputable you are. Anyway dad was a stage magician too, it’s not like he doesn’t know what the life is like, and he’d like the both of you, I know he would, and you’d like him. I just don’t know how to start that conversation. I don’t know how it could go that didn’t end in him hating me.”

“I might known not know much about good parenting love,” Jon says, sliding on to the sofa beside her and wrapping an arm around her waist, “but I know that your dad loves you. Really loves you, like parents are supposed to. He’s not gonna kick you to the curb just because he doesn’t approve of your choice of boyfriend. Boyfriends even.

“But we’re not gonna force you. You know your dad best and we’re not gonna do anything to risk your relationship with him. And I know if either of us had families worth a damn you do the same for us. We know you love us. Right Nicky?”

“Yes,” Nick says, sounding as close to apologetic as he ever gets. “We know. I know. I’m sorry I’ve been such an asshole about this. I’m not going to pressure you to do anything to you don’t want. Okay?”

Zee ducks her head, trying to cover up the fact that her eyes are watering with emotion. “See,” she says, “this is why I love you boys and this is why, when I finally do tell dad, I know he’ll love you to.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You’ve got to pretend-date your best friend for a couple of weeks because reasons, and somehow that means we’re passing ourselves off as siblings to explain why we live together but we’ve started giving each other really filthy pre-sex looks behind everyone’s back like a game of chicken and pretty soon somebody is going to start to have serious concerns about our siblinghood.
> 
> Jason/Tim (with bonus Kon)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This Jason and Tim were either fostered by Cop Bruce or Professor Bruce, and I'm not sure which one.

“Explain that to me again,” Jason says in a slow sharp voice that means something terrible is about to happen to somebody and Jason is going to enjoy every single minute of it.

“I agreed to pretend to be Con’s boyfriend,” Tim says, a little shamefaced. “Just for the weekend. And yes he’s an idiot, and I’m really angry with him for telling his parents we were dating by I’m not gonna just drop him in it, so for this coming weekend only I am officially Conner Kent’s boyfriend.”

“And who exactly am I meant to be in this situation?” Jason asks.

“That doesn’t matter,” Tim says, “they’re not gonna meet you. I just have to go out for dinner for one night with Con and all his ridiculous enormous family and pretend to be madly in love with him, and then I’ll come home and tell you all about it and we can laugh at how stupid he is.”

“Yeah, you’re making it sound like a real hardship,” Jason says bitterly, not reassured as Tim had hoped. “But then I guess pretending to be in love with him isn’t exactly a hardship for you, is it?”

“Oh my god Jason, you are ridiculous! I told you that was years ago, we were like a 13 and yes I had a crush on him, but it wasn’t serious and I got over it years ago. I’m with you now. That means something to me even if it doesn’t to you.”

That was a low blow and Tim knew it but sometimes the only way to get through to Jason was to fight dirty. He’s stubborn as a mule and had self esteem issues by the truckload (not that Tim was much better).

“Oh don’t be ridiculous, baby bird,” Jason said, paradoxically relaxing in the face of a threat. “you go have your excruciating family dinner and make nice with however many hundreds of Kent’s choose to turn up, and I’ll be waiting at home for you with some really really horrible cheap whiskey and a couple of pairs of those really strong handcuffs that even you can’t break your way out of to cheer up afterwards.”

Tim grins and leans into kisses ridiculous boyfriend. “You’re an idiot Jay,” he tells him, “and I love you.”

 

* * *

 

 

“You what?” Tim asked, his voice icy. “Connor John Kent tell me I did not hear what I just thought I heard.”

“My apartment’s only got one bedroom,” Con said, “and Cassie offered to put them up in that ridiculous place of hers but they said no they didn’t want trouble her and anyway they’d like the chance to get to know you and I’m really sorry Tim, I didn’t mean to invite them to stay with you, at least not without asking the first. It just kind of happened. They’re really hard people to say no to, you’ll understand that when you meet them.”

“I have met them, remember? I visited your farm every school holiday since we were six; I know what they’re like. I also know that they’re lovely and wouldn’t have minded at all putting up in a hotel.”

“I’m really sorry,” Con groaned, “I’m really really sorry Tim, it’s all just got of hand! I just wanted them to think that I was happy and doing well by myself.”

“And for them to not know that you take a different girl home every night, I suppose,” Tim said nastily.

Conner gave a very shamefaced a little laugh. “Yeah, that too,” he admitted. “I did think of telling them Cas was my girlfriend but, well Cas, she’s not exactly the sort to do you take home to mother.”

“Unlike me?” Tim asked, surprised.

“Well yes,” Con said. “I mean obviously. You’re kinda perfect. You're handsome, you’re clever and really successful and you’re kind to small furry animals and you haven’t got any visible piercings or tattoos or anything which rules out like half the people I know. Plus they already know you. Pa’s reaction when I told him was ‘well it’s about damned time, we’ve been waiting for this since you two were little boys’.”

Tim groaned. “Oh my god, that is unbelievable. I had a crush on you for like one summer but everybody seems to think it’s this huge world ending romance. I love you, but you’re like my brother. It would just be weird!”

“Don’t you mean it’s _going to be_ weird,” Con said, grinning because he’s an asshole.

“You’re terrible terrible person, Kent,” Tim said severely. “Anyway there is one major flaw in your plan.”

“What’s that?” Con asked.

“Jason,” Tim said, honestly amazed that Conner hadn’t thought of it himself. “The flaw is Jason. We live together. We share a bedroom. How exactly are we supposed to spin that as platonic?”

“We’ll just tell amused your brother,” Conner said. “I mean it’s kind true anyway, isn’t it.”

Tim could feel the blush rising. “We’re not actually related,” he said. “We just got placed in the same Foster home. It’s not technically incest if you are not related by blood.”

“Right,” Conner said, sounding like he didn’t believe a word of it. “Whatever you have to tell yourself to get you through the night. But my point is it shouldn’t exactly be hard to just pass Jason your brother, just for the weekend.”

“There is no way in a million years Jason will cooperate,” Tim said flatly. “Have you met the guy? He’s more of an asshole than you! He’s going to smash your plan to smithereens in minutes.”

“No, no no no no no no,” Conner said quickly. “You can’t let him! Please, whatever you have to do to save me, just do it. It’s just one weekend and I won’t even touch you. We’re just gonna pretend to be madly in love for one weekend and then I’ll tell them didn’t work out and we’re still friends and you won’t have to see them again for ages, I swear it won’t even be awkward for you.”

“You owe us,” Tim said. “You owe us so much for this, Kent. Not just me, you owe Jason and had you better believe he’s gonna collect with interest.”

“Yes,” Conner said, not sounding nearly worried enough for someone who had just pissed off Jason Todd and Tim Drake in one sentence. “But I’ll worry about that when we get to it.”

 

* * *

 

 

It had taken a lot of persuasion and some pretty inventive bribery but Tim had persuaded Jason to go along with it in the end.

Tim had quickly tacked up a couple of old band posters in the spare room and shoved a couple of ornaments onto the empty shelves to make it look like a room that somebody actually lived in, and they just pretended that that was normally Jason’s room but that they were sharing while the Kent’s were staying. It was a foolproof plan. Unfortunately Jason was no fool.

Oh he wasn’t doing anything overtly suspicious, he played along pretty well, calling Tim bro and refraining from any touching beyond brief hugs or back pats and generally doing a pretty good impression of an only slightly assholish older brother. (And if Tim flushed every time Jason referred to him is his brother, well that was Tim’s problem and it was something that he and Jason would discuss later.)

At least the Kents mostly didn’t seem to notice, or if they did they were too polite to say anything to him. He was slightly terrified that they were going to go home with the impression the Conner’s boyfriend was an incestuous weirdo with a thing for his big brother, which was technically true but not the impression that he was trying to make. He might be furious with Conner but he was never deliberately sabotage him. It wasn’t Con’s fault he was an idiot.

Jason on the other hand was trying to sabotage it, but in a much subtler way than Tim had expected. He’s been braced for having hush at Jason down every time he opened his mouth but instead Jay was playing along admirably as long as the Kent’s for watching. The problem was the minute their backs were turned. He seemed to be making a game of trying to get Tim as riled up as possible as quickly as possible in the few minutes they had alone and then pushing him out to face the Kents. At least Martha’s motherly concern was the most effective boner-killer Tim had ever encountered, but he didn’t make it any less embarrassing.

The Kent’s were with them for four days, Friday to Monday. Someone else, some neighbour or somebody, was looking after the farm for them to give them time to really enjoyed New York and a rare trip away from home.

The days weren’t too bad, as evening shifts meant that Conner had the afternoons free to take his parents out around town and Tim was only obliged to join them on one of the days. He could pretty much work any hours he wanted and generally ended up doing the majority of his work at about 4.00 AM, but the Kent’s didn’t need to know that, so he could always plead work commitments to get out of having to spend more time the holding Con’s hand and pretending not to want to punch him.

By the time the Kent’s left to go and see Times Square with Conner at 1 o’clock on Saturday Tim was about ready to scream. He allowed them all of five seconds to get down the hallway and into the elevator before he had Jason pinned up against their bedroom door and his tongue shoved so far down Jason’s throat he might as well have been giving him a tonsillectomy.

Jason, because he was an asshole, just laughed.

“You’re the worst boyfriend ever,” Tim told him. “You’re so terrible. I hate you so much.”

“Really?” Jason asked with a smirk. “Doesn’t feel that you hate me little brother.”

Tim groaned, dropping his head against Jason’s chest. “You are such an asshole,” he said, as though Jason somehow wouldn’t notice the way his hips had twitched at the nickname. “I hate you so so much, I really do. When this is over…”

“When this is over what, baby bird?” Jason asked grinning at him.

“When this is over, your sleeping on the couch for a month,” Tim said. “I’m serious. I’m cutting you off just as soon as they’re gone.”

“Shouldn’t that be the other way round?” Jason asked laughing at him. “I’m pretty sure the bit where we’re pretending to be brothers and your best friend and pretend boyfriend’s parents are living with us should be the period way you cut me off.”

“Yeah well that doesn’t seem to be an option does it?” Tim asked bitterly. “Because you’re a terrible terrible human being who enjoys my pain.”

“No, you’re just pretty when you’re embarrassed,” Jason says with a grin. “Plus the fact that it gets you to you to react like this is a definite bonus. It usually takes a lot of work to get you this riled up but I pat your knee in front of the Kents and call you my baby bro, and you go from nought to one hundred in 2 seconds flat. It’s excellent, although also slightly disturbing. Do you have an old people fetish?”

“I have a you fetish,” Tim said, “and you know it. And we have…” he checked his watch quickly, “3 hours alone before they get back, and I intend to spend all of them making you scream.”

Jason grinned. “You know what, maybe I’m not so angry, after all,” he decided.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos is love.


End file.
